It has been about a month and a half since my last post. I really haven’t had much to share, or much that I have been thinking about worth writing. I took a break from reading and much of any new learning of anything, and I really haven’t been doing much of anything besides the daily routine of work and family.
I have entered back into a time of serious doubt of the Christian faith. I haven’t had any bad experiences with the Church or with Christians, unlike my last long bout of doubt. The main problem is that I’m upset at God, and confused. I don’t know why he would tell us to “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” – Matthew 7:7. I have been doing this for two years, and I feel like I’ve gotten nothing in response from God.
There are many people in the Bible who have doubted, and God has shown up for them to relieve their doubts. The Bible then shows a willingness on God’s behalf to help us in our doubt, even if it means showing up tangibly before our very eyes. God willingly revealed himself to Moses on the mount. He showed himself to Thomas when he claimed that he could only believe if he saw for himself.
I want to believe. I so badly do. But I cannot just will myself to do it. I feel like Thomas where I need to see it myself to believe. I have been yearning, and asking God for help to believe for two years and I have yet to receive a response. Why would’t God want to help me? Why wouldn’t he want to show himself to me to help me believe? If he did it for others, then why not for me?
I’m frustrated and discouraged. I feel like I’d love to give up on it all and free this burden from my shoulders. Yet, for some reason, I feel like I cannot do that either. I feel caught, and it is no small issue for me. It affects my outlook on life, and even my mood. It’s perhaps similar to a mild depression.
Really not sure what to do.. But, wanted to get this off my chest and post about it.