I didn’t want to be there today. I wasn’t in the mood, and to make it worse, the service was longer than usual. The term “hardness of heart” is a common Biblical phrase, and I felt it very clearly within myself. I didn’t want to sing, and I found myself being very critical of that portion of the service. To make matters worse, the sermon was well presented, but the content was about Gideon who God spoke to audibly. Even after an experience like that, he still questioned God’s existence and tested him multiple times, and God kept proving himself to Gideon. I have been praying for nearly a year that God would reveal himself to me in some way to help me believe, and that prayer has not been answered a single time.
I felt like church was the wrong place for me, and that I didn’t belong, and I couldn’t wait to get out of there. That scares me.
I spent some time this afternoon reading Lamentations 3. It’s a very interesting chapter, especially verses 1-18. I felt many of the same emotions as the author. One verse in particular that I resinate well with is 8 which says, “Even when I cry out and call for help, He shuts out my prayer.”
There is some hope later in the chapter. Verses 25, 31, and 32 are particularly relevant for me which say, “The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him … For the Lord will not reject forever. For if He causes grief, then He will have compassion according to His abundant lovingkindness.” I hope that is true.
Days like this are difficult – where God feels as though he has abandoned you. Do you ever feel similar? What helps you in times like this?
(Notice: None of what I wrote is me complaining or saying anything bad about my church. I really appreciate the people there. I consider all of this to be my own problem and struggle)