Over the last month or so, I have noticed my motivation and drive for Godly things decrease. Along with that, doubt increases. I think it mainly started to happen shortly after I “decided” that I truly had faith in the God of the Bible. Interesting how that works. What does it mean? Did I not have faith, and I was incorrect about my assessment of myself?
I don’t think that is the case. I still feel that conviction that God is real, but somehow, and for some reason, I have lost motivation for seeking him out. Not all the way by any means, but I’ve noticed that I am just not using my time as wisely as I thought I was. I find myself using the excuse that I’ve been busy, and reading a lot of books for my church history class, trying to learn Greek, reading a marriage book with our small group, and reading the Bible. I’ve grown to think I “need” to have a break, that a break would be good for me, and that that break should be playing games on my phone or the computer, watching TV, etc. I know there is nothing wrong, bad, or sinful in those things, but when I have the words of God on my shelf, why would I rather play a dumb game on my phone? When I have a God who will listen to me when I pray, why would I not want to get on my knees and talk with him?
I know there is a time and a place for games, books, and other things. I don’t think there’s a quota that God expects of us. This is just something I’m really wrestling with deep in my core. I get done with a day, lay in bed, and think about how I could have accomplished more in the day, how I could have learned more about God, how I could have prayed for friends, family, and others. And not because I feel like I needed to do any of that or God would be upset, but because I know those are good things, and that life is short. Why not take advantage of every day we have to grow closer to God?
Then there’s doubt. It’s a bastard. Though I said above that I feel a conviction that God is real, that doesn’t mean I don’t frequently question that feeling. It’s difficult, and wrenching, and tiring to the soul.
It’s so easy to write out these thoughts, these questions. It’s so easy to look at it in hindsight and see how things could be better. It’s so easy to thinking about how you would like to be and how I would like to spend my time, and what my priorities should be, and the type of person I’d like to be to my wife, kids, and others. Yet in the moment, I so often make lousy decisions. I choose stagnancy, selfishness, and sin. Faith in God is tough.