It’s the end of a weekend, my most cherished time of the week. I spent some good time with my wife and kids, cleaned out and reorganized my Dad’s shed, sold something on craigslist, spent some good time reading a book, played some video games, ate delicious meals my wife prepared, slept in a comfortable bed, etc. Sounds like a perfect weekend!
I sit here though on Sunday night feeling an odd sense of emptiness, and not at all looking forward to work in the morning. It doesn’t make sense. I’ve got a fairly good job, I’ve got a wonderful wife and 3 incredible sons, and we are currently living in a small but fantastic home (renting). It seems like the equation for happiness is in my favor, yet I just don’t feel it.
I can’t help but wonder how much it ties with my lack of spirituality. It’s been over 2 years now since I stopped going to church. Not a day has passed that I don’t think about it in some way. I feel like spirituality is the missing piece. But why? I don’t even have a good reason, other than I know that it was a big part of my life in the past, and now it’s virtually gone.
Part of me wants to believe that Christianity is true. But, I cannot bring myself to a point to go to church, read the Bible, or even pray. I just don’t want to do it. If anything, I kind of want to avoid it. But why would I want to avoid it? I don’t understand the aversion to it that I have. The odd part is that I don’t hate Christianity in any way. I feel like I hate my aversion to it. But, obviously not enough to rid of it for some reason.
I just feel like I’m missing something. Part of me feels like it’s faith in the God of Christianity. Another part of me is hesitant because I can’t absolutely know if it’s the truth or not, and if I choose Christianity, is it only because that’s the religion I grew up in and am most familiar with?
I had hoped that my break from Christianity would have been over by now… It’s been far, far longer than I expected. Far longer than I hoped. And now, so far from God. *sigh…*