Feeling Extra Lost Today

It’s the end of a weekend, my most cherished time of the week.  I spent some good time with my wife and kids, cleaned out and reorganized my Dad’s shed, sold something on craigslist, spent some good time reading a book, played some video games, ate delicious meals my wife prepared, slept in a comfortable bed, etc.  Sounds like a perfect weekend!

I sit here though on Sunday night feeling an odd sense of emptiness, and not at all looking forward to work in the morning.  It doesn’t make sense.  I’ve got a fairly good job, I’ve got a wonderful wife and 3 incredible sons, and we are currently living in a small but fantastic home (renting).  It seems like the equation for happiness is in my favor, yet I just don’t feel it.

I can’t help but wonder how much it ties with my lack of spirituality.  It’s been over 2 years now since I stopped going to church.  Not a day has passed that I don’t think about it in some way.  I feel like spirituality is the missing piece.  But why?  I don’t even have a good reason, other than I know that it was a big part of my life in the past, and now it’s virtually gone.

Part of me wants to believe that Christianity is true.  But, I cannot bring myself to a point to go to church, read the Bible, or even pray.  I just don’t want to do it.  If anything, I kind of want to avoid it.  But why would I want to avoid it?  I don’t understand the aversion to it that I have.  The odd part is that I don’t hate Christianity in any way.  I feel like I hate my aversion to it.  But, obviously not enough to rid of it for some reason.

I just feel like I’m missing something.  Part of me feels like it’s faith in the God of Christianity.  Another part of me is hesitant because I can’t absolutely know if it’s the truth or not, and if I choose Christianity, is it only because that’s the religion I grew up in and am most familiar with?

I had hoped that my break from Christianity would have been over by now…  It’s been far, far longer than I expected.  Far longer than I hoped.  And now, so far from God.  *sigh…*

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