What Is My Condition?

It really hit me today, harder than ever before, that I really do not understand my condition, or in other words, where I truly stand when it comes to Christianity.  I grew up in a Christian home, went to church, youth group, awana, Sunday school, bible studies, small groups, a christian college, etc.  But, about 9 months ago or so, I really began a slow and steady descent from Christianity.  I question if I have ever truly believed.

So, right now, can I answer “yes” to the crucial question: Do I believe that Jesus is the son of God and can I truly confess that I am a sinner?  If I feel like I’m being honest, I’d have to answer with “no”.  Now is when the flooding of questions come in.  Do I just feel that way out of some sort of rebellion?  Perhaps I’ve never truly believed?  Maybe I just have so much doubt that I feel too lost?  Am I really still a Christian but I just don’t feel it?  And the list goes on.  I find that I really have no idea what my true condition is.

I feel like I want to believe that God is real, and that the Bible is true, and that Christianity is the truth.  However, I don’t feel it at all.  Not sure if I ever have.  That said, I can’t just up and believe it (the dilemma that I wrote about in my previous post).  So I don’t know what to do.  I feel absolutely stuck.  But, this is also most likely how I should feel, given that it really should be only God alone that can pull me out of this.

So, am I a Christian?  Am I not?  Can I be?  Will I ever be?  Will I never be?  I feel so lost…

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