It really hit me today, harder than ever before, that I really do not understand my condition, or in other words, where I truly stand when it comes to Christianity. I grew up in a Christian home, went to church, youth group, awana, Sunday school, bible studies, small groups, a christian college, etc. But, about 9 months ago or so, I really began a slow and steady descent from Christianity. I question if I have ever truly believed.
So, right now, can I answer “yes” to the crucial question: Do I believe that Jesus is the son of God and can I truly confess that I am a sinner? If I feel like I’m being honest, I’d have to answer with “no”. Now is when the flooding of questions come in. Do I just feel that way out of some sort of rebellion? Perhaps I’ve never truly believed? Maybe I just have so much doubt that I feel too lost? Am I really still a Christian but I just don’t feel it? And the list goes on. I find that I really have no idea what my true condition is.
I feel like I want to believe that God is real, and that the Bible is true, and that Christianity is the truth. However, I don’t feel it at all. Not sure if I ever have. That said, I can’t just up and believe it (the dilemma that I wrote about in my previous post). So I don’t know what to do. I feel absolutely stuck. But, this is also most likely how I should feel, given that it really should be only God alone that can pull me out of this.
So, am I a Christian? Am I not? Can I be? Will I ever be? Will I never be? I feel so lost…